God, I miss him.

I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't miss him. I never really knew him. But I miss him. A lot.

We loved each other from the first minute we met. We made the mistake of liking each other too much when we slept together. I was too young. He was too reckless. But he was (is?) smart, I was pretty, and he was long from home and, in his own way, lonely.

I was too young. I didn't understand. I didn't understand that when a man tells you that you're beautiful, you have to take it with a grain of salt. I didn't understand that when a man sings to you, you're not special, you're just at the right place at the right time. I didn't realize that when a man cries to you, you're nothing more than a spontaneous therapist. And I definitely had no idea that sleeping with a man ruins all the esteem he ever held for you.

I was young, and I thought I was in love. I fell in love with him, I know, when he sang his favorite song to me in his hoarse and rough voice. It was a Gallic song, and he smiled when he sang it. I still remember his drunk, embarrassed grin, flashing quickly in the orange lamp light.

But I was stupid. And he was drunk. We met in the summer, and he was wearing a stupid Hawaiian shirt, and I was earnest and bright.

I miss him. If he had asked me to, I would have done anything for him.

Yet I learned. Hard. And maybe I should thank him one day.

I learned that men will treat you like shit. I learned that blind dedication and uninvited loyalty gets you nowhere. I learned that men don't respect you if you give them leeway to make mistakes. I learned that goodness on your part isn't necessarily reciprocal. I learned that men are men. And that the ones who are wrecks won't change just because you hope they will.

I learned that no one owes you anything, not even decency, and that being a young girl is perhaps the most painfully hopeful existence on the planet.

I can't forgive him for looking at me and asking "why do you allow me to treat you like this?" I'm forever grateful, but never forgiving.

And, despite all this, I just, god, I just miss him so much.