Sociopath defined

I've been so screwed over by men, I don't think I know anything better. I practically expect it now. And now that I told Fred that I was surprised that he cared, he hasn't said anything back.

I owe him better. At least he felt badly about being a dick to me. Most don't, and I owe him better for it.

I wonder what being treated with respect would feel like. I guess Phil tried to, and I told him not to. Maybe that's what it feels like - as if you're being held at a distance.

Today was a hard day. I'm not quite sure why, but today was a hard day.

To address the title, I must admit to something I haven't admitted out loud for a long while. I don't actually care about anyone or anything else other than myself. More or less, the only two feelings I feel are self-hatred and depression, and joy and exhilaration.

I need cigarettes more than I need a bathroom.

I try so fucking hard to be a good person because I know, deep deep down, I actually don't care about anyone. On one hand, it's fucking terrifying. On the other, it's funny to think about. I mean, I've felt like this for as long as I can remember. I only feel bad when I lose friendships or people because I miss how they make me feel about myself (read: better). I am really, honestly, not that good of a person. And I hate myself for it. And I pretend as hard as I can to convince everyone else that that's not the truth.

I owe Fred better. He cared enough to apologize. And because he cared, I pressed the advantage. And look at what that got me - more of what I already fear. Abandonment and desertion.

Maybe that's why I fear it so. Because if people actually knew what I was, they would run in the opposite direction. How can I talk about this with anyone else? How would that conversation start?

"Look, I don't actually give a shit about you. So let's talk about it. Honestly, if you died today, I'd be bummed. And probably semi-suicidal. But only because I have a predilection for depression, and - honestly - give me any legitimate fucking excuse at this point, and I'll probably end it. Your death included."

Holy fucking shit. I am seriously fucked up. Going to go drink more and forget I know this about myself.